even the psychiatrist judged

"I don't think I have to worry about you because I see your family as a supportive support system"

...... am I just too good at portraying? 

one of my chapter of life, has finally reach an end

for anyone who curious but feels like uneasy to ask, it's a yes...

no worry and no need to feel bad. 

since this has been one of my forever wish for years,

just congratulate me~

and also don't forget to pray me and Ahmad for the brighter future :')

I miss...

Dear Allah, 

I miss to kiss Ahmad without wearing mask. I miss the feeling when our cheek met. I miss to sleep in the same room and same bed, next to him. I miss the way he stare at me while I'm singing for him before sleeping. I miss to take an igs and post it to our private account. I miss it when I wake up earlier so I could kiss him and hug him from back. I miss the way he jump to wake me up if he wake up earlier than me. I miss to interact with him without boundary.. 

Ya Rabb, 

You know everything within the heart

I believe, You know it all too well

let it happen Ya Rabb... 

let it happen

then this ayat cross in my mind:

are You preparing me to entering Your Jannah, Ya Rabb? 

are You planning to let me in? 

let me in Ya Rabb.. 

let me in.. 

 

36th

I think my unforgettable birthday was on my 20th. some friends of mine came into AgriFM studio to surprised me while I was on air. wkwkw. if I remember then, it was magic that mas Ir allowed them did that. wkwkw

mas Ir is the Music Director of AgriFM. he's King of the King of AgriFM 👑 and he was sooooo scaaaaaary.. yaaa.. that scaaaaryyy.... wkwkwkw. even till now, I'm still scared of him 😅

after that surprised, they waited for me till I'm done airing. then we walked to Bara to had lunch at Sulung Sari (anak ipb darmaga aja sih yang tau ini wkwkwk) we go through KorTan (koridor tanah) and as long as the corridor, they keep telling everyone. YES DEFINETELY EVERYONE we met along the way that that day was my birthday. they also sang out loud this lyrics for me "Tuhan kirimkanlah fichuu, kekasih yang baik haati, yang mencintaaai fichu, apa aaadanyaaa~" wkwkwkwk. along the road~ can you imagine how embarassed I am?  wkwkwk... YES THEY ARE ALL INSANE! BUT I LOVE THEM.... 💕💕💕

inside the studio

at Sulung Sari

the night before, another friend of mine who was a singer in AgriaSwara and  co-friend in AgriFM too, called and woke me up at midnight then gently sang me "Happy Birthday". me? blush of course! 

can you find me? he was standing next to me

honestly, I'm not into birthday. my parents didn't teach me to celebrate the day. every year they only gave me the word Happy Birthday, wishes, kisses. just it. and it's enough for me.

aaand a week ago was my 36th. days before my 36th, the memory of my 20th birthday was keep on running in my head. I just remember the event, the people, the voice. then I think the moments is repeated. I don't think it was organized. it just a spontaneous act. but in a gorgeous one! have you ever imagine a candle above orange? yaa. the orange fruit! they sang me Happy Birthday and ask me to blow the candle above the orange. wkwkwk. impressive! 😂

(this is from mbacipa)

the other day, after the #GoestoCampus event at a Padjajaran Suites Hotel in Bogor, we are having evaluation meeting at Weekend.ers Bogor. they did it again. before the meeting started, I heard intro of Happy Birthday song and asked someone next to me; who's birthday? and he answered; you, of course! || mine is already yesterday. || it's you, mbak. said the other one in front of me. and they started singing Happy Birthday again. wkwkwk. okaaayyy... it's still my day... wkwkwk.... 

when it was about to finished, another Happy Birthday song was started again, when I look at my back, the resto crew are coming to me, singing Happy Birthday in a very high tone while bringing a slice of Red Velvet cake in a plate written "Happy Birthday Ficha" and several paper (idk what's written on the paper) buuutttttt.....  t.h.i.s  i.s  a.m.a.z.i.n.g wkwkwkwk..... this is just more that I ever expected. wkwkwkw

(this one is from mbaade paddle pop)

(this one is from mas Hendra whom he shared to masMar. wkwkw)

(this one is from mbaThelma 🤍🩷🩵)

and this is the cake

during the song, I just keep on laughing. I laughed at how amazing Allah bless me with anything. LITERALLY EVERYTHING. I suddenly remember the word from an old movie titled UnguViolet. one of Dian Sastro dialogue was "Tuhan, diantara sedihku, Kau selipkan juga bahagiaku" and yes indeed. I've been through a long and rough way. I don't even care anymore about my birthday. but they care. wkwkkw... 

Thank you. THANK YOU! I don't have any other words but thank you.... and the arranger of this heboh moment is mbaThelma. wkwkwk... makassi mbaTheelll..... I never imagined you would do this much for me. thank youuu so much. thank you to the moon and back. thank you a billion buuuuunch!!!! 🩷🩵🩶❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤍🤎

a conversation with

 💁🏻‍♂️: continue your life. you're still so young. 

🧕🏻 : nooo... I've been old enough. 

💁🏻‍♂️: no no no. it's all about mindset. when you live in your present while thinking about the future plans, then you are young. But when you live in your present but you overthink and carry out your past with you all the way, then you're old.

🧕🏻: ok, so I have to be young then... 

current anxiety

dear love, my melancholy side is just about to burst out in a sudden.

you know love, I always worry about you... 

your health, your condition, your body, your mood, your therapy continuity, your medication, your feeling, your vitamin, your food, your clothes, your underwear, plan about your circumcision, about you who I left home with otousan and okasan, about my wish to keep making you happy, about your sleep, about your blanket, about your pillow, about your pajamas, I just worrying anything about you....... 

I know this is not good for me, my feeling, my body, my mood, my health, my sleep quality, and this could be not good for you too.. Maybe people will see me as an overprotective mother but aaaaall I did, my reason to act like this is only to keep you healthy and make sure that you're okay... I just want to keep you  fine.  just it!

dear love, I've been through uncountable miserable things that I wish would never happened to you. I saw each of it with both of my own eyes. And to be honest, I was so scared... It was too scary. I always pray to Allah that I will never see it happened to you again so I won't seeing it anymore. I always pray to Allah that there will be only happy things in our life. I always pray for that, love..... 

but despite of aaaaaalll of the scary things that happened to you previously,  Alhamdulillah Allah still lend you back to me.. you are still with me. We're still together looveee.......... 

you know love, I think basically I'm just afraid of loosing. I'm afraid of loosing you. since I love you soooo much! I don't know what will I be if there's no you in my life. It could be empty. And your presence is just everything. you fill my holes. yes you are..

dear love, I just want you to know it.

I love you

I really do

Hello October

This is just half of October but it feels like I've been full... 

May was my starting point. I informally told my boss about the plan. He's kinda shock. He even ask me to take some day off to clear my mind. But all I think for the whole time, the only way to clear my mind is to have it done.. 

in June, we took mandatory family portrait for every Eid. Since Ahmad got a super high fever in the morning, right before we're going to pray Eid Al-Fitr (and then confirmed as covid again in RSUD Duren Sawit at night), we didn't take any picture that we used to that day...  

demo, here's our family portrait in Eid Al-Adha 

we moved to our new home in July. My mother's sih. But she said that this is ours, so this is ours :) I started to move on from the scary things that happened to Ahmad before. I accompanied him to have therapy session again. I took him to mall again. I just want to make him happy :') 

but unlucky, he's not that strong yet.. In August, he got the seizure again because we're going to his therapy by grab car. And yes he's not that strong yet.. That day, after we got home, he became silent. He ate but after that he throws it up. At night, he throws up again.. And a second later, he got the attack. Hiiikkkss... My heart just torn into pieces again.... 

September supposed to be our happy month because this is Ahmad's month! But only 3 days before his eight, he got the attack again. At this point, I feels like numb. I didn't know how to react. Yes I did help him to put diazepam when the seizure come, but after that I just freeze. I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't talk and even I couldn't cry like I used to. I just kept on looking at him, accompanying him, be beside him, holding his hands while contacting any doctor. 

but Allah is the Almighty. He still gave His permission for me to take Ahmad's picture when he was 8 like I usually did.. Allahu Akbar. 

and the update by half of this October is the process in my office about the plan is done. So I could take it up and out to the different level. Tomorrow supposed to be our third meet. And about Ahmad is still on process too, we went to Prof Irawan last month. He changed Ahmad's medicine to Levetiracetam. And I think I will follow him for Ahmad's sake... 

Still, there will be another two months left for this year.  May they become the sunshine after the rain. For me, for Ahmad, for my mother, for my father and for everyone who had serious problems in their lyfe. Aamiin yra... 

060523

akhirnya selubung itu bersedia pergi 

akhirnya dia bilang dia serahkan aku kembali 

ya! 

akhirnya.. 

sedetik ku merasa lega 

sedetik kemudian terbayang jalan di depan mata 

terlihat panjang 

sangat panjang 

terlalu panjang 

hingga tak jelas bisa ku lihat apa 

kucoba agak picingkan mata 

masih juga belum bisa jelas ku lihat apa

masih belum terlihat apa apa 

apakah karena silau yang terlalu terang?

atau gelap yang kemarin, terlalu gelap? 

tapi sementara sepertinya memang masih akan gelap 

aku tahu

tidak mungkin akan langsung terang

aku tahu

tapi nanti pasti terang 

aku yakin

karena aku masih punya dia 

si bunga taman hati ku :')

tapi...

apa boleh ku harapkan dia (yang lain)? 

... 

berharap dia kepada siapa?

Allah.

karena aku selalu punya Dia

insyaAllah :')